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On The Side The name says it all. Are you bored? Have a rough day? Cat cough up a hairball? Well come on in and tell us about it! Here you will find discussions on almost everything under the sun. No Religion Or Politics are to be discussed here. PERIOD!
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  #21  
Old 07-31-2008
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RAMNYOU RAMNYOU is offline
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Default Re: On The Side...Joke Thread.

omg that is too funny!!!
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  #22  
Old 07-31-2008
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Default Re: On The Side...Joke Thread.

This may be old but still funny.




As a mom passes her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked:

What in the world are you doing?'

the daughter replied: 'mom, i'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and
this thing is about as close as i'll ever get to a husband! Please, go
away and leave me alone.

the next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the
other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said:

'dad i'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
i'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.

'a couple days later, mom came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room.

She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,
downing a cold beer, and staring at t he tv. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: 'what the heck are you doing?'

the husband replied: 'i'm watching football with my son-in-law.
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  #23  
Old 07-31-2008
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Default Re: On The Side...Joke Thread.

Hmmmmm, I just read that joke on another site. Thief! [img]/forum/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/laughing.gif[/img]
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  #24  
Old 07-31-2008
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Default Re: On The Side...Joke Thread.

I don't get it.
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  #25  
Old 07-31-2008
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Default Re: On The Side...Joke Thread.

YOU'RE AN EXTREME REDNECK WHEN.....
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3 You've been married three times and still ha ve the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is 'out of your league,' bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, y'all, watch this.'
7. Your junior prom offered child care.
8. You think the last words of the 'Star-Spangled Banner' are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.'
9. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
10. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.


Yes I'm busting on my own kind!! Dont like it, tough titty!
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  #26  
Old 08-01-2008
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Default Re: On The Side...Joke Thread.

A 70-year-old man went to his doctor’s office to get a little swimmers count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.”


The next day the 70-year-old man reappears at the doctor’s office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.


The doctor asked what happened and the man explains, “Well, doc, it’s like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing.”


The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?”


The old man replied,

“Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn’t get the darn jar open!”

[img]/forum/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/laugh.gif[/img]
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  #27  
Old 08-01-2008
trollwzrd trollwzrd is offline
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Default Re: On The Side...Joke Thread.

Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.

Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.

They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
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  #28  
Old 08-01-2008
trollwzrd trollwzrd is offline
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Default Re: On The Side...Joke Thread.

I know this is an old one but it is FUNNY.

Texas Chili Cook-Off

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.

This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas .

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park .

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL



Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


CHILI # 2 - TEX 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT .... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3 He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it;
I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report
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  #29  
Old 08-03-2008
BigCountry BigCountry is offline
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Default Re: On The Side...Joke Thread.

>> With all the new technology regarding fertility
>> recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she
>> was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
>>
>> 'May I see the new baby?' I asked
>>
>> 'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit
>> for a while first.'
>>
>> Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the
>> new baby now?'
>>
>> 'No, not yet,' She said.
>>
>> After another few minutes had elapsed,
>>
>> I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
>>
>> 'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
>>
>> Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see
>> the baby?'
>>
>> 'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
>>
>> 'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait
>> until he CRIES?'
>>
>> 'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?
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  #30  
Old 08-04-2008
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Default Re: On The Side...Joke Thread.

Redneck pick up lines



1) Did you fart?

Cuz you blew me away.


2) Are yer parents retarded?

Cuz ya sure are special.


3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea

I can't hold it in.


4) Do you have a library card?

Cuz I'd like to sign you out.


5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?

Cuz I can see myself in em.


6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,

I'd store my nuts in yer hole.


7) You might not be the best lookin girl
here, But beauty's only a light switch away.


8) Man - 'Fat Penguin!'

Woman - 'WHAT?'

Man - 'I just wanted to say something
that would break the ice.'


9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,

But I bet I can make yer bed-rock.


10) I can't find my puppy, can you help
me find him?

I think he went inta this cheap motel room.


11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.


12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,

We kin sleep til afternoon.


And.... The best for last!


13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,

Every time I look at it my nuts tighten up.
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